Overcoming People Pleasing
In the latest release from Authority Magazine, I wrote this article (that upon reflection is way to freaking long (oops, I maybe nerded out a little too much). I share all my thoughts, and more, on my views and struggles with people pleasing. I’m pretty excited about it!
TLDR version: My 5 steps to understanding and breaking out of people-pleasing patterns.
Identify the Root of People-Pleasing:
Explanation: Take time to delve into your personal history and experiences to uncover the underlying reasons behind your people-pleasing tendencies. This involves reflecting on past relationships, childhood experiences, and societal influences that may have shaped your behavior. Understanding the root cause of your people-pleasing can provide valuable insight into why you engage in this behavior and lay the foundation for change.
Example: During therapy sessions, an individual explores their childhood experiences and realizes that they learned to prioritize others’ needs as a way to gain love and approval from their parents. They recall instances where they were praised for being helpful and accommodating, reinforcing the belief that their worthiness depended on meeting others’ expectations. This insight helps them recognize the origin of their people-pleasing behavior and its impact on their adult relationships.
Understand the Underlying Needs:
Explanation: Delve deeper into the emotional needs that drive your people-pleasing tendencies. Consider whether these needs can be met through alternative means that align with your values and well-being.
Example: Recognizing their fear of rejection as a driving force behind people-pleasing, the individual explores ways to build self-confidence and seek validation from within rather than relying solely on external approval. They engage in self-compassion practices and cultivate a sense of self-worth independent of others’ opinions.
Weigh the Consequences:
Explanation: Before engaging in people-pleasing behavior, carefully consider the potential consequences for yourself, others involved, and the overall situation. Assess whether the short-term benefits outweigh the long-term costs.
Example: When considering taking on additional tasks at work to please their boss, the individual weighs the potential impact on their workload, stress levels, and overall well-being against the desire for recognition and approval. They recognize that overcommitting may lead to burnout and compromise their health and work-life balance.
Give Yourself a Choice:
Explanation: Recognize that you have the power to choose how you respond to situations, rather than defaulting to people-pleasing behavior out of habit or obligation. Practice mindfulness and self-reflection to become aware of your automatic responses.
Example: Faced with a request that goes against their values, such as working overtime without proper compensation, the individual acknowledges that they have a choice in whether to agree or assert their boundaries. They consider alternative responses and prioritize their well-being over external validation.
Practice Boundary-Setting:
Explanation: Actively set and maintain boundaries in your interactions with others to protect your well-being. Boundaries are all about protecting your energy, not trying to change anyone else’s experience or emotions. Assertively communicate your needs, preferences, and limits while respecting those of others. Make each side at least equal when considering your boundaries, ideally prioritizing yourself.
Example: Setting a time boundary, the individual politely declines invitations to social events when they need personal time to recharge, clearly communicating their availability and self-care needs. They practice assertive communication techniques to express their boundaries without feeling guilty or obligated to comply with others’ expectations. For me hearing and seeing this in action is really helpful to finding how I will actually start implementing changes.
I add in several examples of what setting boundaries can sound like. If you want to check that out read the full article here. (or you know skip around because I really got carried away with this one!)