Blog 1: Unconventional Boundaries: Navigating Relationships with the Boundary-Averse
The Caldwell family's annual holiday gathering was always an affair filled with unspoken tensions, particularly due to Carol Caldwell's manipulative antics. This winter evening was no exception, with the snow gently falling outside as the family assembled in the warm, festively decorated living room.
Carol had spent the past week subtly complaining to her son, Alex, about his husband, James. She insinuated that James was a bad influence, trying to distance Alex from the family. "He doesn't understand how close our family is," she'd say, a note of bitterness in her voice. In reality, James had been setting healthy boundaries with her, which Carol perceived as a personal attack.
Throughout the night, Carol alternated between sipping wine a bit too frequently and dramatically clutching her chest, complaining of a sudden flare-up of an old injury. Yet her physical ailments seemed to disappear whenever she found an opportunity to whisper cutting remarks to her daughter, Lisa.
As dinner progressed, the tension reached a boiling point. Carol, under the guise of a concerned mother, made a subtle yet sharp comment about Lisa's career choices. Lisa, having endured a barrage of such comments throughout the evening, finally snapped. She stood up abruptly, her chair scraping against the floor, and stormed out of the room.
The family fell into an uncomfortable silence. Carol immediately shifted into the role of the worried mother. "Oh, what have I done?" she lamented dramatically. "I'm just so concerned about her. She's so sensitive."
Alex and James exchanged a look of exasperation, recognizing the pattern all too well. The rest of the family, while uneasy, chose to stay silent, knowing that siding with Lisa openly would only exacerbate Carol's behavior.
The evening ended with an air of unresolved tension, Carol's feigned concerns and unacknowledged substance use casting a shadow over the family's holiday spirit.
Hit a little too close to home with this one?….
If you felt called out, you’re not alone. As we saw in the Caldwell family's tumultuous holiday gathering, setting boundaries in a family dynamic, especially with a figure like Carol, is not a one-size-fits-all solution. This leads us into a crucial aspect of boundary work: understanding that it varies depending on where each person is in their healing journey.
Carol's inability to see herself accurately and her husband's reluctance to 'rock the boat' illustrate two common challenges in such situations. It's not always straightforward or even advisable for other family members, like Lisa or Alex and James, to confront Carol directly. In these complex dynamics, boundary work becomes more about creating choices for ourselves in the moment.
Are there remnants of your own family dynamics that stand out to you?
Choice in Boundary Setting
This concept of choice is vital. It's about deciding whether to engage or disengage, a decision that can help remind our nervous system that we are no longer helpless children reliant on parental approval for our sense of belonging.
Even given one shitty choice and another is regaining some of the autonomy and power we were not always afforded in earlier life. Do I leave the event and deal with Mom’s guilt trips for the next 4 months? Do I stand up to Dad about his 100th comment about not being a good enough parent and risk getting back into the full-scale, no-holding-back fights of my past?
Allowing our brains to simply remember we have a choice can be a major step in boundary work. And, boundaries are about you, the other person may never even know they exist.
Biological Need for Belonging
Our fundamental need for belonging and connection, deeply rooted in early attachment experiences, shapes how we navigate relationships. In infancy, physical and emotional bonding is crucial for development. As children grow in inconsistent or volatile family environments, they learn to adapt to these complex dynamics, often at the cost of their own needs and preferences.
This adaptation can become a default survival mode, where the focus is on navigating the family landscape rather than exploring personal choices and preferences. As a result, individuals may lose the opportunity to develop a sense of agency and choice in how they interact with the world and manage relationships outside their families.
Think back, were you able to explore the world and all your interests (mostly) consequence-free? Did you know you always had a secure base to fall back on? Where you able to express the full range of emotions and receive compassion? If not, you may have a different set of expectations and limits than those who had these secure realities growing up.
Protective Stances: Fight, Flight, Freeze, Fawn
When we're triggered in these emotionally charged family situations, our body's natural defense mechanisms kick in. These include the fight, flight, freeze, and fawn responses.
Fight involves confronting the threat (e.g., arguing back).
Flight means escaping the situation (e.g., leaving the room, using substances or other escapes).
Freeze is about becoming immobilized or emotionally shutting down.
Fawn involves trying to please or appease the threat to avoid conflict.
Recognizing these responses in ourselves is the first step towards managing them. By understanding that we have choices, even in difficult family interactions, we can start to assert our boundaries in ways that are respectful to both ourselves and others, while also acknowledging our own healing journey and emotional needs.
What response do you tend to fall into? How has it served you in the past? What is it doing for you in the present?
If you want to find out how to find flexible boundaries for you, stay tuned!
(Next Chapter: Finding Realistic Boundaries Based on Attachment and Family Dynamics)